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| Merry (late) Christmas from Disney World |
Merry (late) Christmas and Happy (late) New Year! After an absence of almost 2 months, I am finally back to my tiny blog. And even though I am entirely sure that no one is actually reading this, I feel like I have to justify my absence. (WARNING: Overly-dramatic interpretations of real life ahead.)
Towards the end of the last semester, I feel like I went bat-shit crazy (which can be substantially backed by the posts that you see below this one). After months of constantly pushing my self creatively in college art classes, I left my first semester feeling absolutely drained. I even shuddered at the thought of picking up another pencil or piece of charcoal. I felt very uninspired for the first time in my life. In art school, I felt like I had to prove myself to my peers and teachers more than I ever had in my entire life. I wanted to feel accepted, and to be taken seriously. But more than anything, I was constantly trying to prove to myself that I deserved to be there.
Every other day I would begin to second guess my work and my worthiness. I spent my days constantly worried that everything I was churning out was complete crap and everyone was just lying to my face about it. I kept imagining that when people said "that looks great", they were actually thinking "that kid must by kidding himself." I lived in fear of my work for months on end, without any relief. My usual support group of friends weren't as present as they used to be (not their fault), and I felt stranded in my own world.
Second guessing yourself is never a great sign, especially in the art world. I learned from my favorite band, My Chemical Romance, over the past few months that second guessing yourself artistically usually means that you know when you're doing something wrong. I was going about it the wrong way. I didn't commit myself to school, art or bettering myself. I just coasted through that semester of art classes. I didn't try hard enough, because I was afraid of failure. I tried to spend free time convincing myself that I actually should be doing anything but bettering myself. I distanced myself from my art. I felt that the further I ran from my art, the more I would be able to breath. But in actuality, I was digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole. I could barely handle the pressure, and was absolutely relieved by the time Christmas break rolled around.
I spent the last 2 months decompressing, waiting for that spark. That spark of artistic life hasn't revived itself yet, but its not something I can wait around for any longer. I need to create my own spark. I need to fight for my art, because no one else will do it for me. My plan for this last week of freedom is to get that spark back. Its not an easy task, but I'm not just about to wait around for things to fall into my lap anymore. I don't care about other people's approval. I don't need approval. If I speak loud enough, others will follow.
This semester will be different. I am going to be on fire for my art. I will eat, breath, drink, shit, and live my art, because my art is my entirety. My art IS my life, and what I want to do with my life. So, here's to a better semester, better living, better blogging, and better art!
